do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
