dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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