I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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