Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
