soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Randomize
