That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
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