I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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