I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
