(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
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