The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
