I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
