Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
