first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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