I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
i now understand why vodka
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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