She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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