I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
