Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The size of her vagina has nothing to do with the size of her heart bro
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
