Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
