Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
