you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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