Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
