yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
