just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
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