I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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