Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
