Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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