I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
