she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
