So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
