I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Randomize
