Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
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