Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I stole a fireplace last night.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
I think i got beer on your cat.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
