Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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