"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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