you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
I still have a little drunk in my system
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Randomize
