I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
