Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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