Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
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