god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
