We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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