the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
