I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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