just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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