Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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