so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
