i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
