After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
