Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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