Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
