We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I have tasted many bathrooms
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
