I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
